Last night I was getting ready to write a news roundup post about unemployment, the state of the world, and the bleakness of the future. If you really want to know what I was gonna put in there you can check out those links, but let me just warn you that seeing everything together made me cry.
So instead I avoided reality by turning to St. Hulu, the patron saint of procrastination and royalty free entertainment. Lately I’ve been bored of my usual things (you can only watch season 2 of Arrested Development so many times before it starts getting stale), so I’ve just been letting Hulu recommend me whatever shows I haven’t seen yet. You know what I found this time? Skating with the Stars.
Has anyone seen this show? It is fucking amazing! Not in the sense that it is actually good, but more in the sense that it is the one and only show currently on television where you get the sense that the producers are sort of hoping for someone to die live on the air.
Skating with the Stars is one of those Dancing with the Stars-style shows where “celebrities” take time out of their “busy schedules” to be pushed around the ice by actual skating professionals. Now, I’ve never seen a full episode of Dancing with the Stars, but I’d say the main difference between the dancing show and the skating show is not the ice skates and the sequined costumes, but rather the overarching suspense generated from the knowledge that someone could totally crack their head open at any minute. I’m not saying that those ABC execs wanted or intended for that sense of impending doom to be the main draw of the show, nor would they want to play it up, I’m just saying that by the fourth episode, they’ve required each contestant to do an incredibly difficult move lovingly called a “death spiral” even though they’ve only been skating for a month, the presenters’ banter has become lines like, “Hope you brought your caution tape, because this is going to be a hazardous night! *smile and wink*” (actual quote), and zambi the emergency zamboni has become the show’s mascot (no, that’s not it’s real name, yes, it is a real thing.)
Also laughable is ABC’s expectation that any given person would know/care who the hell these people are. Let’s be honest here, the fact that the contestant with the main draw is “reality superstar Bethenny Frankel” is not a good sign. It is kind of hilarious though. Not only that, but Bethenny clearly does not give a fuck what the judges have to say about her routines, since she is guaranteed votes simply because she is literally the only person anyone watching the show has heard of. And you know what? The judges know it too. Middle judge Johnny Weir (hahaha I typed Johnny Weird by accident — jk Johnny, you’re fabulous) is so over it. Sadly, after this, Johnny will only be left with stacks of gold metals to preserve his integrity. Left judge Laurie Ann Gibson has been surprisingly nice considering all I know about her is that she used to scream at Making the Band contestants (have you heard? Diddy’s back, y’all!) Right judge Dick Button is too busy staring at Rebecca Budig’s ass to say anything intelligible. At the end of the day, everyone’s had a lovely time, and are too busy being wowed by an homage to Daft Punk to realize they’ve just wasted an hour of their lives. You’re welcome, America!